It’s that time of year again, where more people become deeply cynical to Valentine’s Day and everyone looks forward to cheap chocolate on sale tomorrow. Still, it’s worth remembering that some people use the day as an excuse to finally confess their feelings and who are we to stop their naive love? Love is in the air, cheap cards are everywhere, flowers are double the price and there’s plenty of bitter cynicism flowing around. Even if it’s all coming together and getting you down, how about you play some games to remind you how much your hatred is justified?
What better romance story to kick this list off than a guy who’s been brutally tortured and a female journalist coming together for ridiculously awkward sex? There are plenty of leaps to get to this point but it definitely deserves an award for the second most cringeworthy sex scene in any video game ever. What better way to forget it’s Valentine’s Day and having the added bonus of being put off sex entirely!
Fahrenheit / Indigo Prophecy
Literally and objectively the most horrific and terribly created video game sex scene ever made. The romance between the detective and protagonist is lukewarm at best throughout the game but halfway through the story gets very convoluted and through the power of aliens, the main character becomes a living corpse. While hiding out in a disused train carriage and surrounded by the homeless, they get together in a lovey peaceful moment to have sex. She even states the immortal line, “damn your skins cold” YES THAT’S BECAUSE HE’S A CORPSE!
Super Mario Party
Mario party games have always caused a bit of a ruckus and falling out between friends but Super definitely dials that aspect up a notch. You can successfully ruin any current relationship by playing against your partner. As you find yourself gritting your teeth as they steal your victory from under you and take pleasure in vengeance from a secret star that just brings back a win at the last second. There still maybe a chance for redemption later in the evening though as you can forge stronger relations with them through Team play with friends. Just don’t expect to be invited to any dinner party after.
What better way to fall back in love with the world of paper craft than playing an entire game constructed from it. Ignoring the urge to pay exorbitant prices for a card with a cute picture of a dog licking an ice cream and remind yourself that not all crafting is terrible. Playing the fantastic story mode to rekindle that urge to fold paper and make a simple “I choo choo choose you” card. Also a perfect time reacquaint yourself with a long lost love, the PSVITA.
Super Mario Odyssey
A real wake up call that not all romances are meant to be. Mario saves the day only to be rejected by Peach and we all know secretly she’s got a thing for Luigi. It’s a deeply diverse and involving game to get lost in, so forget your troubles and take some time away moon hunting! If that still fails to make you happy? Simply google Bowsette and make your day complete.
Nothing says romance like running away from someone who’s got the hots for you. Especially when she’s objectively a healthier romance option than a ridiculous ferret like character from the comics that fans still want in the video games for some maddening reason. Amy has her love so super charged you can enjoy her little hearts floating past when Sonic is nearby.
It’s always good to get online and play mmos during holidays especially if you’re on your own. You will always find it’s just a pleasant reminder to yourself there are plenty other people in the same situation. What better way to funnel those unrequited feelings of love than to blow something up with some strangers in space? Who knows, you might find someone special from your love of blowing stuff up! It worked for Han and Leia!
Mass Effect 2
If everything to do with Valentine’s Day is getting you blue, why not date a blue alien? Plenty of amazing romance options here and the story and combat in Mass Effect 2 are the absolute best and a great distraction. It’s a perfect way to get through today! What’s even better is that if you never played the DLC extra missions before then you can really get a Mass Effect.
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