It’s not typically my style to pick on someone like this but given the fact that he is one of the most baffling, frustrating and self-serving politicians this country has had for a long while, I think we could all use a laugh. Finally resigning before being pushed, our mop haired Eaton raised man-child Boris Johnson has now likely got a lot of free time on his hands. What better time to put himself to use and play some video games that are perfect for such a manipulative plank?
Alien colonial marines
When a young child doesn’t get their own way they will typically throw their toys around yell and shout out such gems as, “I HAT YOU!” Boris before leaving government made sure to do so much worse with his brilliant lasting remaining barb to our current PM being that, “Britain risks becoming a colony”. This is coming from a man that said “Brexit means Brexit and we are going to make a Titanic success of it.” What better way to have him acclimatise to this new colony style Britain by playing Alien Colonial Marines! He can run around shooting all the aliens he wants and as an added bonus the game is pretty bloody terrible which is something he really deserves.
Democracy 3 is a fantastic game but here’s the thing, now he has more free time he can actually learn how politics work! Not only that but he’s so convinced he could do a better job of running the country that acting out said fantasy in a video game is just perfect. The best thing about this though is he’ll be able to cheat and use any extra money he likes to get to power without hurting anyone but himself. Obviously his attempt at joining the Twitch community won’t go too well but then most people twitch when he turns up in the news in a sort of “oh my god what is this sharp pain I’m feeling?” sort of way.
Game Dev Tycoon
Another fantastic game! See Boris? This list is here to help you learn how to be a better human being and what better start than Game Dev Tycoon? The pleasant sounds of the bubbles going up as your employees and you work together to make something beautiful through teamwork and harmony. It’s the perfect self teaching tool for you to learn how cheating and being a dooshbag doesn’t pay off. Shame you don’t have a team to work with anymore but then again you can always go back to your chums Cameron and Osborne for a job, especially Osbourne! He has so many I’m sure he can loan you one!
The Sims 2
The perfect video game to create that perfect fake world that you always dreamed of living in. Obviously the newer titles in the series aren’t going to appeal to your historical love for whimsy so you’ll look to an older title. One that allows you still to create that perfect functional Brexitly Brexit British paradise. The fact you can populate a room with Sim versions of the previous cabinet you were a part of, remove the toilets and doors and watch everyone nervously going around dumping everywhere probably helps add a dash of realism to it. Hell if you really want realism just add fireplaces and it will be Chequers all over again!
Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis
Time for a little hero fantasy for Boris. What better title to while away the hours, days and likely years needed to rebrand and come back as a perverse twisted version of himself. Radio shows and TV alike for some money and a shot back as the attempted leader of the party. Picturing himself saving the day in a broken mess of a game which can never be fixed. The sad truth being that he will never be one of the Justice League.
Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)
This video game is super obvious but really Boris you deserve this. You really do. No seriously though. You just do.
The video game nasty to end them all, a meme by all and a start of your journey through pain and misery to your new stand as a human being. It should also help you come to terms with the stupidity of backing Brexit with lies on a bus, bananas and more quips than a Bond villain. As Silver would say, “It’s no use”
Duke Nukem Forever
Do you remember Boris being Mayor of London? The garden on a bridge that was hemorrhaging money before even a brick was laid, other projects and vanity that was slowly being backed by a few banks and some very shady deals. Even the simple benefit of bikes for hire ended up being tied into a banks pockets. Duke Nukem Forever is the perfect encapsulation of that time and a great way to reconcile with the past that can never be. This is a broken, never finished mess of a by gone age. At it’s best, a time capsule of first person shooters throughout the years and at worst a horrible cash in for a project that shouldn’t have even started. Perfect description for that part on his new CV.
Star Wars Battlefront II (2017)
The best to last B-man! Remember that campaign you essentially staked your carrier on? How like Trump you pushed and prompted, stood and shouted. Never wanting to win but obviously still feeling there was a need to have an opposition in the hope that a win by a mile would result in a leadership bid? Well this game is the perfect encapsulation of that mentality. Empty, hollow, missing in content and launched into a complex maelstrom of bad press and poor public perception that only got worse the longer it went on. Nearly risking everything and resulting in an absolute mess. Now rife with legal issues running their course that wouldn’t have even existed had someone stopped to think rather than panic and wanting more money and power. The fact theses sentences sum up the Leave campaign and Battlefront 2’s Microtransaction debacle makes this your perfect past-time for future days of sofa living.
The Thick Of It “Spinners and Losers”
Not a video game but it just had to included Boris, I’m sorry but you are Ben Swain. A horribly arrogant self-important bumbling moron that at first we figured was using this as a facade to hide an intelligent manipulator but quickly realised that was all the pair of you had. Just like Benjinator you should never have been let near anything important and you should take your time as a Foreign Secretary as a blessing for retirement as you’ve undone any good that came out of the Olympics in London, you useless prat.