I realise some of you think I’m exaggerating and some people from other countries always scoff with, “heh you think that’s hot?” but you are all each and every one of you wrong (There are serious reasons for that but lets just say it’s too hot to bother listing those here and carry on with this classic shitposting as is) Currently the UK is now converting itself into a scene from Mad Max where the dust clouds rip through the plains and wherever the sunlight can touch is burnt to a cinder upon contact. What can you do to survive such turbulent and potentially horrible climate? Well video games of course! Here’s another patented #GooseList TM (C) OC DO NOT STEAL PLSKTHNXBAI of games to get you through. The heat might be getting to me just a little…
1080° Snowboarding – N64
Slipping down a mountain of snow, leaving a trail as you go, pulling off tricks and trying to get through as fast as possible. Perfect for taking your mind off this blistering heat and enjoying some people crashing into the snow and ice! You can even dust off the Wii U and play it legitimately with all that brilliant not quite rock music the N64 seemed really great at pushing out (reminds me of the brilliant WCW vs nWo: World Tour – don’t @ me it was glorious) Just be sure to avoid the stunt pipes; Otherwise the heat will cause you to rage, throw your WiiU controller forgetting it’s part of the system and you’ll be forced to brave the heat for new parts for your beloved and most favourite console, the Wii U.
Sea of Thieves – Xbox One/PC
Arg! To be sailing the briney deep and picturing with your good eye just how fair be the water is, can be a blessing of riches too wondrous to behold to meer mortals for it be one of the divine treasure of this fair world. Seriously though have you seen the water in Sea of Thieves? No not the game, literally just the ocean water. It’s staggeringly beautiful and if Zelda Windwaker taught us anything, it’s that staring at the ocean sure beats talking to anyone or anything that resembles a man in a green suit selling you maps.
Stardew Valley – Everything
Hey you! Look. Take some time to relax, forget about this heat and just enjoy some farming, fishing and taking your mind off the melting heat. The heat that never lets up, in a country where AirCon is just an extra for a car you couldn’t afford. Where there is a minimum temperature that you can work at safely but no maximum. Still Stardew is pretty good isn’t it? Even the slight screw ups are easy to fix and when your this brain-dead from the humidity and horrible heat it’s a great distraction, just don’t fret too much about any plans you had to do anything else.
Skyrim VR – PS4/PC
Climb a frosty mountain and look at the snow, shout your frustrations at anything that moves and slay a dragon. Who needs a simple fan when you’ve all of Skyrim to cool off in. Make sure to have the full experience and splash some water in your face when your character dives into water, shout at the TV every time a shout is used and most importantly be sure to drink a shot of alcoholic spirit every time the game bugs out.
Minecraft – Everything but still no cross-play for PS4 (feel free to @ Sony on this to)
You’ve looked outside and realised you forgot to put up the screen guard in the car and now the steering wheel is so hot it will be unbearable to drive to work. There’s only one thing for it! Time to go to the beach! Not a real one though, don’t be silly you’d explode into flames within seconds or be boiled alive in the sea! No, get onto some Minecraft, shovel up that coastline of sand (sure the ecology will survive without it), create 50 furnaces and get smelting it all into glass. Why? So you can then spend a few hours building an underwater temple out of glass of course! Gotta have a hobby.
Pokemon Go – Mobile/Watch
The world cups on but finally there seems to be a respite, a day with no matches and a day where most people are at a BBQ. What do you do? Well as if Niantic were listening they launched trading into Pokemon Go! Have you been skipping out on the 2nd, 3rd, Xth generation releases of Pokemon? Well now is as good an excuse as any to spend a hot day in a pub! If it’s a Pokemon gym that’s always a bonus to!
So did you like this list? Think the heats gotten the better of me? You’re right it has! Feel free to tip me a Ko-fi so I can get some ice cream and resume some other stuff! https://ko-fi.com/elderlygoose