The rant you’ll probably want to ignore about Star Trek Discovery (but the issues you’ll probably not expect)

Spoilers for season one. duh.

Finished Discovery. Before this rant starts, I did enjoy it enough to probably watch more of it. Hold your breath….

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“You didn’t like Discovery?!”

It’s over-hyped trash. It relied too heavily on a weak story, flimsy script and overkill CGI that they can’t decide what it did. Some really great characters constantly wasted. Oh and no the swearing was like the first Guardians of the Galaxy, call me a prude all you like (and I’d laugh as I swear fucking constantly) but just throwing it into the episode where it sat was clearly due to lazy writing to get more emotion from a boring scene.

Before you mash that un-subscribe and reply with 1000 reasons why I’m wrong, there was plenty I did like in it mind. I love the new ship design and even the shifting animation was a pretty neat trick. I even enjoyed the Judge Dredd universe attire even if it was essentially a cheap knock off Warhammer 40k.

I’ve been called a true Trekkie when I voiced how much I disliked Discovery and I’d say that’s not entirely true:

I hate the original Star Trek. The only enjoyment I got from it was the 25th Anniversary Video game and maybe Star Trek Academy. I’m a lover of The Next Generation warts and all, I tolerate Voyager and Deep Space 9 is just the worst. IT DOESN’T GET BETTER WHEN THE WAR STARTS THAT’S THE WHOLE SERIES ANYWAY. Enterprise I don’t think either my wife or I can sit through more than three episodes and the less said about the animated reboot of the first series the better.

Not a fan of the first Star Trek rebooted film, the old ones are passable and the Next Generation ones ranged from the greats (first contact is a phenomenal film don’t @ me). Still, I like Star Trek Into Darkness (the 2nd new film) and apparently the changes in this are testament to blasphemy.  I even have the comic book prologue…

But Discovery? Felt very much like the first Star Trek film in the rebooted series. Wishywashy Netflix flam that was less think more pew pew and short-lived fireworks. I didn’t mind the new Klingons until the last three eps where it’s like “oh wait they kill everything now ‘because’. Yeah sure Kalas (their god even in this series) would be that? No what absolute trite.

Many of the lines are throw away red herrings. The one that sticks the most is the constant need for pairing people together. “It takes two to break out”, what fucking ever. Mud broke out by himself and there were 3 others in the cell with him. Also come on the guy was clearly spy. BUT I BROKE OUT WITH HIM SO LETS MAKE HIM CHIEF OF SECURITY! Even my lovely wife rolled her eyes at that point.

The main villain is just incredulously one-dimensional. He’s worked his way through 1 galaxy and to do what? The same as the previous Emperor?! He doesn’t even want to do anything new just wants command of it!? Why bother?!

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Saru the Salarian wait I mean Kelpien…

Oh and fuck the last three episodes. Even these Klingons in their messed up world fight for honour but it’s convenient to have a bigger threat than Terran bullshit so they become merciless? Nah. Makes fuck all sense even when you follow the story from the start. I found myself constantly let down by the series as it moved along. It was trying so hard to be a new Farscape mixed with Firefly and clearly everyone involved hated it being a Star Trek series.

Oh and I’d be happy to see more Michael and crew but in Star Trek and not “Netflix does the movies” Star Trek.

Oh and horse aliens ganglia are constantly not telling him when danger is there. Despite obvious danger. It also somehow works through space and shields and ships and is just a deus ex spider sense.

Oh and cyber girl wheezes when she stands for no fucking reason because sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. Seems to only be if the camera lingers and there’s no dramatic music.

Oh and machines that make noises only do sometimes when it’s plot convenient, I would be ok with this but once you start noticing it and making a feature of some interactions it’s frustrating it just gets ignored constantly. Sometimes replicators talk too much or not enough or not at all who cares? You had your quip that’s it go back to silence.

Oh also the replicators make glass weak enough to be crushed in a hand which is human (or not they can’t decide).

Oh and the spore planet goes 2%, 3%, 4%, everyone is like woo we saved the day! 46%, 52% WTF?! Hang on what?! Oh sure time to have a chat while the % of terraforming go wildly out of control. Also annoying it’s implied the chief of engineering saved one last spore yet it shows millions being seeded.

Oh and fuck the killing of the doctor in the least shocking most simple way possible. This was the Sirius Black of deaths. It was less OMG and more “fucking really?”.

Oh and shoot the core to save the day and classic “ride the wave” space mentality, which I’m totally fine with. Still to the future where the wars lost everything is in ruin but everyone seems ok?! Not one single fuck appears to be given about other homes or family as Earth and Vulcan are fine, well we guess so as nobody’s freaking out.

Oh and that parallel world with the USS Defiant but not the right one. Still don’t worry about its differences they have a deus ex machina to kill off that crew to avoid any possibility of DS9 rebooted cross overs.

Oh and HOLD THE COMMUNICATORS EITHER UP OR DOWN!? It’s a tiny niggle that gets more and more and MORE AND MORE ANNOYING!

Oh and Tilly is one part cadet, two parts murder captain and fifteen parts gifted scientist deus ex machina. She is either the perfect friend everyone wants to party with, the outcast nobody likes, the genius who could fix anything or the dunce who can leave water in her cabin.

Oh and this is the one I just keep getting stuck on the most. Remember when the first black alert was an event that caused liquid to bobble? People seem surprisingly unaffected but even Michael was thrown the first few times. Still after the first few episodes lets forget that and just spin the camera and make it thoroughly less interesting and more formulaic.

Oh and How many directors!?!! No wonder this feels so fragmented. It seems a few got their hands on it for 3 or so episodes then passed it on. It also goes a long way to explain why the characters feel like they have no idea what their arc is supposed to be.

Oh and ok we get it you wanted to make Farscape and Rogue One but please stop trying to force it! There is plenty of room out there for another unique Sci Fi you don’t have to rip off others.

Oh and Michael can’t decide if she’s Vulcan or human which is fair enough and in the middle of the series it’s super interesting with the struggle and Sarek is fantastic but as the series progresses it’s less about conflict and more an excuse to be stoic when she has no idea how to progress.

Oh and MUD?!? Really? That’s his fucking name? Good lord. This is all from a single line from the rebooted films?! I bet there’s a deeper lore but seriously?! MUD!?

So yes. there we go. Rant over. I’ve many other nit picks and many other good things to say about the series but good lord this first season was rough. There, I’ve had my rant and you can feel free to point out how wrong I am and why 1300 words is seriously like hitting a punching bag for the sake of it. Still I feel better for this and I hope you do to!

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Where is the logic Captain?

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